Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
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REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.