Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
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[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Bros before Ohioes
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …