Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
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There is no “we” in pizza
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
🤣could you imagine