REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
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Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Sell your car
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.