ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Candles never taste the way they smell
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
If you love someone, let them tweet.