Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
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Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”