The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
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I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.