Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I want this so bad
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.