Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
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I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
happy mother’s day❤️
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?