Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
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To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I’m having an out of money experience.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear