Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
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This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I just love that new Pope smell.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon