ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
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[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)