Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
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Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
A game married people play.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*