Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
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i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral