me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
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My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying