Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
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When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.