Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
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due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Respect
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]