Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
You Might Also Like
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me