@UNTRESOR: Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
@Ideal_Victoria: All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
@RexHuppke: My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: "That's mathematically impossible."
Anyhoo, we're divorced now.
@stats_canada: 85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
@heatherlou_: "IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!" I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
@mjkspeaks: The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don't have the remote.