@UNTRESOR: Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
@howe007: I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic".
@krisv_723: You don't care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor's lawn. I know this now.
@chrisdowning: *wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
@Blondiethegood: I just threw away all the toilet paper in the office so this day is about to get interesting.
@Michael_Erhart: [First date]
Me: "So, what do you do?"
Date: "I'm a librarian."
Me: "Oh, my bad."
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*