cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
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HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping