Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
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Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.