Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
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You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
OH. COME. ON.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo