[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
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i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I’ve been learning to cook.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Cat.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?