[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
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It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
True
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*