I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
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Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
o shit
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Is this the real life?
Is this just