Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
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As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep