Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
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I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.