Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
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“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Milk Cube
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Goat cheese is for herders.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.