I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
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Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no