ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
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1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.