Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
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Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
lmao
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I have many caverns
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes