ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
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WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
he chose this
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Monday Lisa
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.