ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
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Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Natty or not?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?