ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
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Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Great game to play with friends
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
If you know, you know 😂🚔
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*