Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
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[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%