Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
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Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
sry
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.