Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
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getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
*struts into the new year
~ trips
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax