me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
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My favorite farside!!
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Its a hippotatomus
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]