COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
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Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.