Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
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Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”