Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
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I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
back to work
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”