Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
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there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.