ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
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Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Tell me you get it…🤣
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
How did we not see this back then?
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…