ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
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“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Not even remotely sorry.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
*lint rolls you awake*
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.