ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
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Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
This cat wants you to take your pills
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Selfie
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there