Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
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Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on