5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
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Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Body by cheese-puffs.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I don’t think my car can fly