ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
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First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys