ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
You Might Also Like
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Mmmm canned fish.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
2023 was just a warmup
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”