Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
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How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁