Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
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HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?